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Maybe God Meant...

Dec. 9th, 2011 | 04:37 pm
mood: sadsad


"Maybe this is God's way of saying I warned you with the last now this is your final warning."

"Maybe God means for them to stop"

"Maybe God's trying to tell them something..."

This week, Michelle Duggar and her family lost a loved one. She and her husband Jim were at their 20week ultrasound, typically called an anatomy scan when they were told that their baby had died and a heartbeat could
no longer be found. 20 weeks into pregnancy, half way. But she'd probably been feeling the kicks for at least 2-4 weeks already. She, like any pregnant woman, had been talking to the baby as she stroked her stomach and I'm sure her husband and many of her 19 children were doing the same. How heart-breaking that must be.

People will be cynical and people will be harsh but when I read those comments I'm immediately taken back to when my husband and I were telling our family that we wouldn't be able to have children without IVF or something like that. Someone told us, trying to comfort us, that maybe that just meant that God didn't mean for us to be parents. I remember those words almost every day when I watch my son - who was conceived, miraculously,
without any help from modern medicine. Who are we to even begin to try and guess what God meant or what God is "trying to tell" someone else.

Who are these people hurting? The Duggars? They made the decision, when they miscarried a baby because Michelle was taking birth control and didn't know she was pregnant, that they would not prevent pregnancy and
let God decide when they would get pregnant. Did they take it to an extreme with 19? Um, probably. It would be for me, but I'm not them. They've raised those kids without government assistance - LONG before the TV show was around to help pay for things. They own businesses and manage their own bills and live a comfortable life. The kids are loved and appear to be happy. So again, who are we to criticize them? They have said that they prayed after their loss and felt this is what God was guiding them to do. If they still feel that way and are willing to take the risks - however irresponsible I might think that is - then that's new to them.

Long and short of it. Unless you are in fact God, shut up. You cant possibly know what life lesson I'm being taught
when God says "no" to a prayer. It ties back to "if you cant say something nice..."

So to the Duggar's I say, I'm so sorry for your loss. And I stop there and hope they find comfort in God's love and
in their large family that surrounds them still.

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Grief and Guilt

Aug. 17th, 2011 | 11:55 pm
mood: sadsad

 My nephew Todd, he died today. Well, I think it was today but it might have been yesterday, but we found out about it today. 

The details as I know them are he was beaten up, left to die at the bottom of the stairs and found either by his brother or police, kept on life support for a few hours then passed away.

My heart is broken but not entirely for the loss OF him but also guilt. 

Growing up, I had all these nieces and nephews who were anywhere from 12 years older to 14 years younger than me. We didnt all live in the same time but it was a 2 hour drive to see them so we saw each other frequently. Holidays were a blast - noisy and busy and bustling. We made holidays out of the smallest dinner or picnic. 

Then Daddy died.

I dont know what happened after that, I was only 12. I couldnt control things or make Mom drive to see the ones who lived further away and I couldnt make them come to see me anymore. Somehow, I got it in my head that they didnt want to see me because my tie to them died with my father. I can even remember being so angry, 6 years later when my sister Faye died because I truly believed she hadnt loved me enough to keep in touch with me. As I sat in her home, a home I knew almost as well as my own, her children were strangers to me. I was 2 weeks away from starting college and Robbie was married with a baby and I'd known nothing about the baby or his marriage. He and I are only 6 months apart. 

It would be another 5 years before I saw some of them again. This time, it was my mother's funeral that brought them home. By now, the damage was done. I lived in Virginia, they all lived within a couple hours of each other. I never came home again, my parents were dead, my family was scattered in Ohio and Virginia, so I stayed on the east coast. I withdrew deeper and deeper inside myself. I'd think of them often, wonder how they were doing, regretted the distance but did nothing to change it. 

One by one, my family members are disappearing. I've lost another sister, aunts and uncles, cousins and yet none of it brought me home to go to funerals. Sure, I arranged flowers, but used the excuse of living in NJ to stay away. I dont know what I was or am afraid of. Then, in 2008, we moved back to Ohio and I thought, here's my chance to get to know them again. But part of me still wonders if its too late, am I still an outsider in my own family?

Today, I got word about Todd and was too stunned to react as my brother told me what he knew. I wanted to rush to them, to rush to family. This person carries my blood in his body. He is the son of my sister and he was only four or five years younger than me. We colored together as children, played on hills of mud until my daddy told us to stop. He had this adorable cowlick on his forehead - no one could make it lie down. I see him in my son's face some times with that blonde blonde hair. And yet, I didnt know him at all and when I realize that the reason I didnt know him was entirely my fault, I felt ashamed. I feel ashamed. Why did I push myself out of their lives? These are my kin, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood and I dont know them at all. They know the stories I dont know, about my father and grandmother, how my parents met, about my sisters and brothers, and I've pushed them away.

Not anymore... I just hope it isnt too late

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I've been a little distracted...

May. 27th, 2009 | 07:02 pm
mood: lovedloved

Here it is... 10 1/2 weeks later and I'm just now blogging it.

A while ago, I posted that I was pregnant after years of believing and accepting it was impossible.

On March 14th, it happened. He arrived.

I was due March 8th, but my doctor said he'd induce on the 13th if I didnt go into labor on my own. I did... on the 13th... about 2 hours before my induction was due to start.

I'll spare you the details, except that it took 19 hours and two epidurals. Finally, after a few scary moments, my little man arrived. My life has been a roller coaster ever since. My days are filled with love and happiness, joy, and fear, and uncertainty and dread. I've worried about things I've never thought to worry about... ants... old ladies offering to hold the baby while I wash my hands in the bathroom...

Then he started to smile... real ones. I love how he  reacts when he sees me. First thing in the morning, when he's waking, he'll open his eyes and when he sees me or his father, he smiles. And all of it was worth it.

I could write more. Right now, I'm fearing that I wont be able to keep up with the breastfeeding and trying to make plans to build my supply so that I never get this low again. I'm also thinking about the days when he'll be eating more food and less breast milk, if I can just make it until then. I love, love, love how it feels to breast feed him. No, I'm not a fanatic like the Le Leche league women. Yes, it will upset me if for the next day he has to have formula while at the sitter's house,but if it means that he never has to have it again, then I can give him 5 bottles worth of formula.

I never knew I could love like this... I never knew I could love my husband like this. I feel like together, we can do anything.







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Almost there...

Feb. 26th, 2009 | 11:23 am
mood: excitedexcited

10 days.

That's all I have left, well until my due date.

Yes, I know that first pregnancies usually go past their due date. But I also know that my doctor has said he wont let me go more than a week over, so there is an end in sight.

I still cant believe I'm here, facing this, feeling this little baby move and kick and punch from inside me. This is my miracle, our miracle, our gift and I dont know what we did to deserve it, but I'm so glad we've been given this chance.

Technically, I'm in labor. I'm in early Early labor. All this means, apparently, is I've started to dilate, I've started to "efface" and I've started to have little contractions from time to time. But nothing has progressed to the point of it needing to be a hollywood-style rush to the hospital. The jokes at work are about putting tarps under my chair for the sudden gush of my water breaking. Apparently this is funny no matter how many times I remind people that only 5-10% of women have their water break before labor and even with that, only a few of those have it do more than a casual trickle. So, I laugh at the jokes and smile.

We've started practicing positions and breathing. Our bags are packed and are in the car, as is the carseat ~ which believe me, was hard to get used to seeing ~ and pillows. Everything's ready and waiting... just waiting on the baby and my body to finally decide it's time.

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I cannot believe it...

Nov. 4th, 2008 | 11:36 pm

I had hoped, I'd prayed, but I never thought I'd live to see the day when the American people could look past the color of someone's skin and elect a black man to President.

I cheered for him during the primary season and followed his campaign throughout.

I cast my vote for him.

And tonight, I've cried over his success.

Congratulations President-Elect Obama!

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Some people....

Sep. 22nd, 2008 | 07:00 pm

Divorce sucks. That much is a fact. And no, before anyone worries [info]malinborn and I are just fine. This is just me venting. 

We have two friends who are getting divorced. And while I've tried to be sympathetic to both sides, as I know the decision has pained both of them, today's immaturity just tipped the scales, takes the cake, makes me want to bitch-slap someone with a rotten fish.

I wont air their dirty laundry. I dont have to, he's doing it for me. After months of attempting and threatening suicide if she didnt take him back, he's moved on to the anger stage of grief management. He's decided that because she stopped taking his calls that she's the immature one. So he's taken it upon himself to take her two cats to an animal shelter and sign them in as abandoned animals and wont tell her which shelter so her friends in the area can rescue the cats for her. He wont even send her their collars so she has a memento. Also, because she's in another country, he's now telling her that his attorney is going to tell immigration that she only married him for a green card so that she'll be banned from the US for 10 years. And the best part.. yeah, his immaturity DOES get worse... he's started going to all the bulletin boards and blogs as well as emailing her mother and her sister to tell everyone they know about the things she's done in the marriage.

He's even changing his status messages in YIM as an ever changing screen to insult her.

He calls her immature but he's the one throwing the tantrum and tossing around the threats. It just pisses me off to no end. He made mistakes too... lots of them, but he's blind to them. All he sees is that he needs to make her pay. Honestly, right now, except that I'd have never met her, I wish I had never met him and wish I could just forget I still know him. I really wish I could slap him with a rotten fish.

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Miracles can happen...

Sep. 6th, 2008 | 09:28 am
mood: ecstaticecstatic

Today is the end of my 14th week... well actually tomorrow is. My 14th week of pregnancy.

I never ever thought this would happen. Mostly because I was told it wouldnt ever happen. I was told in 2001 that both of my fallopian tubes were blocked. Now I wonder if Dr Skaf just didnt want to help an overweight person get pregnant. Who knows, maybe my tubes did spasm again during the surgery. And maybe it was my weight that kept me from ovulating for all those years... and losing the 100 lbs triggered it again.

I dont care how it happened... I'm just so glad it has.

14 weeks down... 26 to go.

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One week to go...

Jul. 18th, 2008 | 10:31 pm
mood: nervousnervous

Well.. next Saturday morning... we'll pack the U-haul and the car and we'll make the trek to Cleveland. Chick, our landlord is meeting me to give me th keys and we're making the finishing packing jobs now. It's becoming more and more real with every day, hell with every breath.

I'm scared.

There's so much out of my hands, so much I cant control... it's driving my OCD crazy.

I'm also scared for [info]malinborn. He's never lived away from New Jersey before. He's taking such a big step for me. What if he hates it... what if he hates ME for making him move?

The house still hasnt sold. We've dropped the price yet again. This market just sucks for someone having to sell their home.  Hopefully, the short sell goes through without too much of a hitch.

part of me cant wait.. a new start in a new place and I'm so excited for that...

but I'm terrified inside...

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Are there polite people out there??

Jun. 21st, 2008 | 10:03 pm
mood: aggravatedaggravated

Tonight [info]malinborn and I went to see the Hulk. He'd been waiting to see it since last Friday and we went, got into our seats, the people behind us would NOT shut up. Now, it was the trailers so, I'm pretty lenient then. So Malin came back and sat down and the movie started and unfortunately..

so did they...

One person decided that she absolutely had to tell the person on the phone about the movie and the people behind us did not shut up.

"What he doin?"

"Uhoh, he's gettin angry.. oh.. he's not that bad"

"ohh no, his eyes went green."

"Look out, he's a comin"

At one point, I turned around and shushed them. I heard, "oh no she did NOT just shush me." I know I know, I should have gone to get the manager, but I'm just not that assertive, but I wanted to... well after standing up and telling them to SHUT THE F UP!!! to go to the manager and demand that either they leave or we get our money back.

What is it today? Why are people so rude when in public? I just do not understand it. It's the main reason I hate leaving my house. I just cant stand people.  What ever happened to courtesy? Say "excuse me" if you cut someone off or bump into them while walking... keep the talking to the bare minimum in the movies...

I just wanna go back to Cleveland.. and never go to the movies again....

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Clinton's Two-state two-step...

May. 28th, 2008 | 01:28 pm

I just wanted to post this article for those who may be reading some new articles and arent aware of HRC's original take on the whole Michigan - Florida thing. It was written by Harold Meyerson of the Washington Post. I originally found it on www.realclearpolitics.com, a site with links to other political articles, non-partison, or I should say, omni-partisan as they have articles from all sides. 

The link to the article is here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/27/AR2008052702553.html

Clinton's Two-State Two-Step

On Saturday, when the Rules Committee of the Democratic National Committee meets to determine the fate of Florida and Michigan's delegations to this summer's convention, it will have some company. A group of Hillary Clinton supporters has announced it will demonstrate outside.

That Clinton has impassioned supporters, many of whom link her candidacy to the feminist cause, hardly qualifies as news. And it's certainly true that along the campaign trail Clinton has encountered some outrageously sexist treatment, just as Barack Obama has been on the receiving end of bigoted treatment. (Obama has even been subjected to anti-Muslim bigotry despite the fact that he's not Muslim.) But somehow, a number of Clinton supporters have come to identify the seating of Michigan and Florida not merely with Clinton's prospects but with the causes of democracy and feminism -- an equation that makes a mockery of democracy and feminism.

Clinton herself is largely responsible for this absurdity. Over the past couple of weeks, she has equated the seating of the two delegations with African Americans' struggle for suffrage in the Jim Crow South, and with the efforts of the democratic forces in Zimbabwe to get a fair count of the votes in their presidential election.

Somehow, I doubt that the activists opposing Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe would appreciate this equation.

But the Clintonistas who have called Saturday's demonstration make it sound as if they'll be marching in Selma in support of a universal right to vote. The DNC, says one of their Web sites, "must honor our core democratic principles and enfranchise the people of Michigan and Florida."

Had Florida and Michigan conducted their primaries the way the other 48 states conducted their own primaries and caucuses -- that is, in accord with the very clear calendar laid down by the DNC well before the primaries began -- then Clinton's marchers would be utterly justified in their claims. But when the two states flouted those rules by moving their primaries outside the prescribed time frame, the DNC, which gave neither state a waiver to do so, decreed that their primaries would not count and enjoined all presidential candidates from campaigning in those states. Obama and John Edwards complied with the DNC's dictates by removing their names from the Michigan ballot. Clinton did not.

Seating Michigan in full would mean the party validates the kind of one-candidate election (well, 1.03, to give Dennis Kucinich, Chris Dodd and Mike Gravel, who also remained on the ballot, their due) that is more common in autocracies than democracies. It would mean rewarding the one serious candidate who didn't remove her name from the ballot when all her rivals, in deference to the national party rules, did just that.

What's particularly outrageous is that the Clinton campaign supported the calendar, and the sanctions against Michigan and Florida, until Clinton won those states and needed to have their delegations seated.

Last August, when the DNC Rules Committee voted to strip Florida (and Michigan, if it persisted in clinging to its date) of its delegates, the Clinton delegates on the committee backed those sanctions. All 12 Clinton supporters on the committee supported the penalties. (The only member of the committee to vote against them was an Obama supporter from Florida.) Harold Ickes, a committee member, leading Clinton strategist and acknowledged master of the political game, said, "This committee feels very strongly that the rules ought to be enforced." Patty Solis Doyle, then Clinton's campaign manager, further affirmed the decision. "We believe Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina play a unique and special role in the nominating process," she said, referring to the four states that the committee authorized to hold the first contests. "And we believe the DNC's rules and its calendar provide the necessary structure to respect and honor that role. Thus, we will be signing the pledge to adhere to the DNC-approved nominating calendar."

Not a single Clinton campaign official or DNC Rules Committee member, much less the candidate herself, said at the time that the sanctions imposed on Florida or Michigan were in any way a patriarchal plot or an affront to democratic values. The threat that these rules posed to our fundamental beliefs was discovered only ex post facto -- the facto in question being Clinton's current need to seat the delegations whose seatings she had opposed when she thought she'd cruise to the nomination.

Clinton's supporters have every right to demonstrate on Saturday, of course. But their larger cause is neither democracy nor feminism; it's situational ethics. To insist otherwise is to degrade democracy and turn feminism into the last refuge of scoundrels.

meyersonh@washpost.com

 

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